'Tis actuali the very 1st post I've ever written. And it's the first for this blog. The previous posts were actuali from my regular diary... just felt like fittin em in here.

Here goes....

I’m inspired to start a blog of my own, havin read some friends'. My first encounter with a blog was WT's. It was rather inspirational at times and did help keep me back on track when my resolve faltered, but it can be too philosophical and hence heavy at other times. But I was attracted to the natural manner of another 2 blogs I read, how their blogs became a platform to communicate with friends (friends would leave concerned/lighthearted comments, and the blogger would pen down his reactions in turn), how I, as a friend, got to know them more thru these blogs.
I guess a part of me yearns to reveal myself to others, to show them the Mun Wei beneath my reserved façade. But I have always held back, always. Am always afraid to show who I really am for fear others would dislike what they’d discover to be the real me. I once read an article (in the British Vanity Fair, I think) about Jane Fonda, which closing line commented on how we aren’t always fully ‘ourselves’ in front of others because deep down, we realize that that would make us less liked. Creepily enough, S sensed that I’m holding back a lot of myself and frankly asked me to just be myself in front of her and YY. “It’s okay,” she said. I gave no response, probably an innocent “I don’t know” look – I was in denial. But I’m thankful to have such an honest friend, and one who cared enough to reach out to me.
So I’m hoping that this blog would help me learn how to open up, to be in touch with my own feelings, to slowly unclasp the firm grip that holds my feelings away from others, to basically learn to be comfortable with who I am ‘in public’. And I don’t think I’d be truly comfortable with who I am until I am able to do that.

The first half of my day was spent in bed, writhing in pain and discomfort from a diarrhea attack. Good thing I recovered in time to join EH for a karaoke session at Red Box The Curve. But the afternoon was a bore and I had one of my bouts of irritability and impulsiveness. I just had to get to Damansara Perdana to get a piece of cake when I drove out to ta pau lunch. I just needed a sugar shot. I drove, wandering, a futile exercise for there was no bakery in sight. Even got lost on my way back to the Tesco area. Good thing they had a drive-thru Dunkin Donut outlet at the petrol station. Wolfed down the 2 donuts on my way back. And then wolfed down a Big Mac for lunch. But I forgave myself : I only had a measly hard-boiled egg for breakfast.
The karaoke session was alrite. It feels very relaxing and comfortable hangin out with EH. Like I could totally be myself around her and not bore her out even if I dun say a thing. The rock fans that we are, EH and I played lotsa Beyond songs at Red Box today, just for the sake of watchin Beyond sing really, yelling along as well. Man, I love those guys. They really fill me with a sense of energy and ‘Butt Zoi Yau Yi” (Hesitate No More) never fails to inspire me. The guitar intro just swept me off my feet at their Stadium Merdeka concert 2 years ago and it never fails to spark off the adrenaline in me every time I hear it now. I remember how I even cried listenin to this song when I was in Manchester. It was a lonely winter afternoon and I played it on my discman. I was struggling with last-minute revision, plagued with doubt as to whether this is the course for me and all that shit. And hearin this song… which spoke of dreams, my heart ached - I realized I have none. The first line of the song summed up my dilemma : “Moe liu mong gin liu yau yi” (One sees doubt when one is idle).
Which is why that internship was so good for me. Being in a place where there are people who are passionate in what they do and love their job made me think : This is something I wanna do. Legal practice isn’t as shadowy as some critics (including my father) say and idealists do have a place in the world (well, maybe not in the beginning, but I think I will someday be in a position to stand by my principles and not lose out too much financially). Mr L’s integrity consoled me and I was truly inspired by S’s zeal and optimism. The experience at the firm provided me with a concrete goal to work towards, so putting my studies into perspective. Now I have a driving force to keep me back on track should there ever be a similar lonely winter afternoon ; )
Back to Ipoh tomorrow. Before, I felt liberated, living here. Living in KL allowed me to regain the freedom I had in Manchester but lost in Ipoh. Daily dinners at grandma’s and the need to not be out too much became stifling at a point : I can’t stay on at e-box with KM and all cos I had to be home for dinner. I can’t go out and do this cos I need to fetch C from school. And so on and so forth. Here, I can just stay on for dinner with friends after work and go out as and when I want to. Just drive off anywhere on a whim. It felt librating! (sounds like one selfish teenager eh?) But now that I no longer work at Skrine and C’s sloppiness is getting on my nerves, I miss the comfort of home. Gonna go back and be daddy’s girl and a couch potato tomorrow *silly grin*. And finally watch all those American tv series the others are raving about.. *sigh* the tv-deprived.. And of course I’ve got to make it a point to help Mom keep the house and bring the dogs for daily walks (must!) and keep the car in good condition (never realize how bad your car looks until you need to give ppl lifts)…
Ciao now!